Short-term memory

I think athletes in general have short memories.  We put ourselves through intense pain and proceed to forget about it pretty quickly.  Then we convince ourselves that it was fun and go out and do it again!  I seem to generalize this ability to forget to other areas of my life as well. These past few months, I've had lots of one-year anniversaries.  Some of the more memorable anniversaries that have come and gone include: the day I was diagnosed (1/25/11), my first surgery (2/18/11), my second surgery (2/25/11), my third surgery (3/25/11), and coming up is my one-year anniversary from starting chemo (4/15/11).  These are all pretty profound and definitely emotional experiences in my life, but the passing of their anniversaries has stirred little emotion.  I suppose that short-term memory loss has kicked in and I'm simply having a hard time remembering myself as a cancer patient.   Life has moved on, and even though I know that this experience has changed me (I could and may do a whole post on that), I am moving on with life!

That said, I do get frequent little reminders that I am still a person who has undergone treatment for cancer. A few weeks ago I had a sore rib that I could not explain.  Normal people would probably just dismiss this as a sore rib.  For me, every time it twinged with pain, I thought "crap, this can't be happening".  I am educated enough about breast cancer to know that ribs are one of the most common bones for metastasis.  Fortunately, the unexplained pain subsided, and I have long since forgotten that little bit of fear I felt.

More recently, I had some routine blood work done.  I was most interested in checking my cholesterol (my medication puts me at increased risk for stroke), iron, and vitamin D levels, however my doctor suggested we run a Complete Blood Count (CBC).  All of my blood work came back text book perfect, with the exception of my white blood cells (low), granulocytes (low), and lymphocytes (high).  Apparently I was immunosuppressed.  I received these surprising results via my online medical chart (cool) along with an email from my doctor asking if I had been ill, fatigued, etc.  Well, I had just finished a big weekend training block and thought I felt good.  Maybe I was tired?  Maybe something was wrong?  I was confused.  After speaking with my doctor she expressed concern that I may have a virus such as Cytomegalovirus (CMV) and suggested that we draw some more blood later in the week and run the CBC again.  I consider myself a fairly reasonable person, however during this short waiting time I had some very unreasonable thoughts.  First, I considered that I had leukemia (a rare, but potential side-effect of chemo), then I decided that I was fine, and then proceeded to convince myself that I had CMV and that my race season was over.  I met with my doctor Wednesday and we re-ran the CBC.  I felt really slow on the bike that day which further convinced me that I had CMV. That night my doctor posted my results and emailed me that everything was fine, my levels had returned to normal. We hypothesized that my temporary immunosuppresion was training related.  My short-term memory kicked in, amazingly I no longer felt fatigued, and I was ready to focus on the weekend race!

The race.  Once again we traveled down to Southern Utah for the second Intermountain Cup race, The Cactus Hugger.  Like the first Intermountain Cup back in March, this race course utilized the Green Valley trail system, however it was a completely unique, and in my opinion, super fun course.  Despite flubbing up some sections on my pre-ride, and the unusual week leading up to the race, I felt pretty confident that my legs were strong and I was ready to race fast.  We had a small, but elite group of pro women on the start line.   I trusted my body to sustain a hard effort for the entirety of the race and it did not let me down.   I ended up finishing in 3rd, just one second ahead of Utah superstar, KC Holley.  We pretty much traded punches and positions the entire race-I just happened to get to the finish line first.  My short-term memory has already served me well as I pretty much forgot any pain or suffering I experienced during the race (actually I'm not sure I was suffering - the course was so much fun - I was pretty much smiling the whole time) as soon as I crossed the finish line.  Instead, I'm just looking forward to my next opportunity to duke it out with the girls.

 The downhill was rocky, windy, and loose.  It was fast too.

 Pro Women start

Podium (Erika, me, Erica, Kathy, KC, Emma)

For some real race coverage click here

March

Wow, a whole month has gone by since my last post.  Obviously I think my life is mundane enough that I'm haven't been inspired to blog, but then again I have traveled out of town on bike trips three of the last four weekends~more traveling and riding than 2011's entirety~so maybe March is blog worthy.

The weekend after the St. George race I traveled down to Moab with my road bike.  I can probably count on both hands the amount of times each year my road bike gets to go outside~it lives on the trainer~and I am 100% certain that it has never traveled out of Salt Lake City to be ridden.  But, it was the Skinny Tire (read: road bike) Festival in Moab and a big fundraiser for local cancer organizations.  I went to Moab and met up with the Above & Beyond Cancer RAAM (Race Across America) team. Above & Beyond is a cancer foundation based in Des Moines, Iowa and I had been communicating with them about joining their team to Race Across America in June.  And while I have since decided that my body is just not quite ready to race (and then recover) from 7-10 consecutive days of hard effort, it was a fun weekend meeting inspiring new friends nonetheless.  I admit, it was a bit melancholy to be in Moab without a mountain bike~especially because we rode past many of my favorite trailheads.

 Day 1: We rode to Dead Horse Point.  Funny.  I had never been there before.

Photo: Jim Kirsner

Day 2: Cruised along the Colorado River with some cool girls.  Stacy, Me, Carrie.

Photo: Jim Kirsner

The following weekend, Shannon and I traveled to Southern Utah for the True Grit.  True Grit is a 2nd year event held on some pretty classic St. George, Utah trails.  There are three race length options: 25 miles, 50 miles, and 100 miles.  While the 100 mile option seems just crazy in March, Shannon opted for the 50 mile race and I stuck to the even shorter 25 mile race.   Although it would have been fun to mix it up with the 50-miler girls, I feel that March is a little too early to push my body at race pace for 50 miles.....especially this year!  My race was pretty uneventful.  I ended up riding by myself the entire time with the exception of when I decided to turn around and climb back up a downhill because I was convinced I missed a turn.  I rode back to the next racer and he reassured me that I hadn't missed a turn so we proceeded down the trail once again.  The trails were stellar, the company good, and I ended up with the win.  And despite the gloomy weather forecast for Sunday, Shannon and I snuck in 3 hours on Church Rocks before heading home.

Which brings us to last weekend.  My first weekend home in a month.  I was pretty tired from all of the traveling/racing/training of the proceeding weeks so my weekend mountain biking was relatively mellow.  I also had the opportunity to ride bikes with a great girlfriend who I probably haven't ridden with since 2005!

Stacy, Me, Cathy.  Stacy and I were teammates on Team Sugar in 2004.

Next up, back to St. George for Intermountain Cup #2.  I get to try to race the fast girls again....

What a difference a year makes

It is an annual tradition for Shannon and I to travel to Southern Utah the first weekend in March for the first mountain bike race of the season.

Last year, it was one of only three races where Shannon was able to race.  I was able to ride my bike, but racing was out of the question.  I had just had a second lumpectomy one week prior and the margins were still not satisfactory.  I was in the process of making the decision to try for another lumpectomy and follow that up with radiation or to go ahead with a mastectomy.  I had also just found out that chemotherapy was certain which made my future as a mountain bike racer very uncertain.  Despite everything that was going on, our 2011 annual trip to St. George, was a great weekend of friends, riding, and warm weather.

What a difference a year makes!  This past weekend, Shannon and I once again made our annual trip to Southern Utah for the first mountain bike race of the season.  This time, I was planning on racing with the pro women for the first time since 2010.  I had every reason to go into this race with confidence.  I have been training hard, riding well, and things have generally just been going good.  Despite all the positives, I had a lot of self-doubt the week leading up to the race.  Was I racing in the right category?  If I couldn't keep up this weekend, would I ever be able to race with the pro women again?  Would I be full of doubt and afraid to push myself hard?  Would my body shut down midway through the race?  Is racing and pushing my body so hard good for my health?  and so on......

As soon as the race started, I no longer had questions.  In fact, I no longer had thoughts.  I didn't feel like 'that girl who had cancer', I became a 'girl racing my bike'~as hard as I could.  By the end of the race, my questions were answered.  Yes!  I was racing in the right category and I can keep up with the incredibly fast local pros.  As the race progressed, I became less and less afraid to push myself hard and no, my body did not shut down midway through the race.  Most importantly, I am confident that racing is good for my health.  It simply has to be.  If I couldn't race, I wouldn't be happy, and that is not good for my health.

I ended up finishing 3rd in a very talented field of pro women and was happily surprised that I put down my fastest time on the course ever.  Like I said, what a difference a year makes!  This year, it was a great weekend of friends, racing, and warm weather.

We're lucky to have such beautiful weather and awesome trails to ride in the winter 

Podium shot: Erika Powers, me, Kathy Sherwin, KC Holley, Kelsey Bingham

Results and more photos can be found here

6 months, 1 year, 3 weeks

This post begins with a giant hell yeah!  All of my 6-month tests came back negative!  So my status remains the same.  No evidence of disease.

I wish I could say that I remained cool, calm, and collected during these past few weeks of tests, but that would be a big fat lie.

It started off with an MRI two weeks ago.  I was pretty anxious about this procedure because I remember it from last year as being a totally claustrophobic experience, face down, in an uncomfortable contraption for 45 minutes.  This time, they slid me into the MRI machine feet first, I listened to chill music, and that made all the difference.   It was a totally peaceful experience until I was done and told that the results would be read shortly.  Suddenly, I was a basket case and needed to know the results stat!  A few hours of complete inability to focus later I had the report read to me word for word and I was relieved for the no evidence of anything suspicious results.  I did take this with a grain of salt, though, as my initial MRI from last year, when I had a known cancer, was a false negative.

Next up was the Sonocine, or automated whole breast ultrasound.  This is the only diagnostic imaging tool that clearly detected my known cancer last year.  Nope, the routinely used Mammogram and ultra-expensive MRI were not very useful.  Of course it has to be the test that insurance does not (yet) pay for.  I traveled up to McKay Dee Hospital, the only facility that has a Sonocine, and gladly paid out of pocket for the test.  The procedure was short and sweet and I was told that my radiologist would read the results later in the week and if anything suspicious was found I would get a call back.  I really didn't think about the test for the rest of the week or weekend, which is pretty atypical for me.  Perhaps it was because I was more focused on a big training and busy work week?  Perhaps it was the totally blissful weekend of endless riding in St. George? (more on that later)  Regardless, when I hadn't heard anything by the following Tuesday, I called over to McKay Dee to get the results.  When they wouldn't give me the results, I started to have a mild freak out.  The last time someone balked at giving me results over the phone was my pathology results at initial diagnosis.  Did this mean something was found?  Anyhow, I was told that my results were faxed to Huntsman and to contact my referring physician.  After not much luck, I finally resorted to emailing a super duper awesome NP at Huntsman who I swear lives with her iPhone on.  She pretty much immediately found the report and called me back with the good news.  I think I said AWESOME like ten times to her!

So, not exactly cool, calm, and collected.  Oh well.

Two other significant events happened over the past few weeks.  First, I celebrated my one-year anniversary from diagnosis.  Some people call this their cancerversary.  Since it is only my first one, I silently acknowledged the day and went about my business.

Shannon and I also traveled down to St. George for Camp Lynda, an annual weekend of mountain biking in southern Utah.  I spent the weekend under bluebird skies, in what felt like 70 degree temperatures, ripping trail and talking healthy food with an amazing group of women (and some men too) including the camp host herself!  It was the end of an amazing week of training that was definitely my biggest block of riding in over a year.  The best news.  I feel good!

 Lunch break.  

Favorite lunch snacks from Camp Lynda include a red potato (or yam) stuffed with pumpkin and hemp seeds as well as oatmeal and fruit mashed in a baggie.  I'm really trying to eat whole foods on my bike rides.  I ride enough that the majority of my diet could come just from energy foods consumed while riding.  Not exactly nutritionally dense.  

 An amazing and super fun group of women

Even took time to practice some techy sections.  

The extra push and spotting on the big rocks was a great bonus!

Looking forward, it is hard to believe that my first race is only three weeks away.  I have (what I think is) a pretty incredible race schedule put together.  It keeps getting more and more ambitious.  My mantra for 2012 is:

1-No excuses.  How can I reach my full potential if I make excuses for myself.

2-Be forgiving and kind to myself.  Like most athletes, I tend to be hard on myself when I have a bad day.  It is okay to have a bad day, but no need to make excuses for it! 

3-Have fun!  Every single day.  But if I do the above two things, fun will just happen.  

Hawaii

The light at the end of our cancer treatment tunnel, and I say 'our' because both Shannon and I needed a light, was a trip to Hawaii.  Out of all the islands, we chose Kauai.  It came highly recommended by friends and there is no shortage of adventure or beach to be had.  So last week, we packed the bags, left the dry winter air, and headed South.

We pretty much jam packed every single day with a new adventure, but we allowed for some chillin' too.  The best part though, was the complete lack of responsibility.  We were just two kids having a good time.

Here are some of my favorite photos with brief descriptions:

Day 1:  We woke up early and snorkled in Poipou (South shoreline).  The reef and fish were fantastic, but we were not prepared with a water camera.  It was a bit chilly for me to be snorkeling as I'm a water wimp unless it is above my very arbitrary temperature of 87 degrees.  We then rented Specialized Rockhopper's (circa 2001) and rode along the eastern coastline stopping at numerous beaches along the way.

One of the beaches we stopped at along the Eastern coastline

 We spotted an endangered Monk Seal.  There are less than 1000 of these guys left.

 Beautiful Eastern coastline.  

We could see Humpback whales splashing and blowing bubbles in the distance pretty much everywhere

Since there was still daylight left, and we had bikes, we mountain biked Sleeping Giant, a popular and scenic hiking trail.  It just so happened that it was great for mountain biking as well.

Day 2 was probably the most epic.  We rode our rented bikes up Waimea Canyon along the Western coast.  The scenery was breathtaking, on one side of the canyon it resembled the Grand Canyon.  On the other, a beautiful valley 5000 feet below leading to the ocean.  The ride was pretty epic too.

The little Grand Canyon

A little more than halfway up the canyon.  Snacking on fresh pineapple.

Over 5100 feet above sea level

Day 3:  We hiked the Na Pali coast (Kalalau Trail) to Hanakapi'ai Falls.  This is one of the most beautiful hikes I have ever done.  Okay it IS the most beautiful hike I have ever done.  It is also a pretty rugged hike and is listed as one of the 10 most dangerous hikes in the world.  

 The lush Na Pali coast

 We were rewarded with a beautiful waterfall.  I enjoyed it from a rock.

 Shannon jumped in.  And froze.

Day 4/5:  I found my perfect water activity for when it is below my arbitrary 87 degrees to get in the ocean...stand-up paddle boarding.  You don't get cold unless you fall.  There is also something meditative about floating down the river, yet you are still totally engaged because it is a physical activity.  You can also make it as easy or hard as you like.  I was kind of a lazy paddle boarder and would always fall behind Shannon until he suggested we race.  Game on.  I kicked his ass.  Mostly because he was laughing so hard at my flailing technique.  

 Sunset was spent at Hideaway Beach

There's a reason many of the beaches are secluded

Day 5:  In addition to paddling, we went for a hike on the Okelehau Trail.  

 Another beautiful lookout

 We were high enough to overlook the tops of the trees and see Princeville in the distance

This hike had some pretty rugged spots.  Ropes were needed.

Day 6:  We were scheduled to go sea kayaking, snorkeling, and whale watching, but when we awoke to torrential rain, wind, and a power outage I figured I'd call to ensure the trip wasn't cancelled.  Sure enough, the trip was cancelled.  This was a bit of a bummer because the trip is only available twice a week and this was our last chance.  The day was salvaged, though, with clearing skies, the discovery of another secluded beach, and a running race between me and Shannon on Hanalei Bay beach.  Although I'm sure it was comical, two cyclists trying to run fast, it should be noted that I once again kicked Shannon's ass and this time he wasn't laughing!  

 Kiluea lighthouse~a great place for whale watching

 A beach to ourselves

 We could not figure out how these rocks were balancing

Hanalei Bay sunset-where the barefoot running race went down

Final day:  On our final day we woke up, packed up the rental car, and drove down to Lydgate Beach for some morning snorkeling.  It was low to mid 80s so I broke my 87 degree rule.  There were some pretty cool fish, but the water was a bit murky from the previous day's storm.  We then ventured to the Keahua arboretum and hiked on the Powerline trail.  It, too, was still muddy from the storm with the highlight definitely being swinging from a vine over the mud.  I've always wanted to do that.  It was hard.  Vines are slippery.  

Swinging like a monkey

 Wailua Falls  was raging with rain water

We wanted to kayak into the falls, but the rivers were too swollen with debris from the storm

We are now back in Salt Lake City and have been greeted by the first major snowstorm of the season.  A welcome sight for the skiers, but I was rather enjoying riding dry dirt in January.  In addition to continuing with training, I also get to return to the role of cancer patient.  Over the next two weeks I have my six month MRI, six month Sonocine (ultrasound), and a visit with my surgical oncologist.  Here's to hoping my next post if full of good news!

2011 in photos-A Year Worth Remembering

In January 2011, I started to get worked up for a small nodule I found in my right breast.  It began with an appointment to a primary care physician, then a mammogram and ultrasound, and finally a core biopsy.  On January 25th, I received the news that I had Invasive Ductal Carcinoma~breast cancer.

Later that very same day, my 2011 race bike arrived.  The irony.....

Receiving the diagnosis triggered a cascade of medical appointments and surgeries.  In 2011, I had 68 cancer related appointments.

Shannon and I spent many hours in the Huntsman Cancer Institute waiting rooms.  

Packing snacks was essential.

On February 18th I underwent my first surgery, a lumpectomy.  After surgery I received the excellent news that my lymph node biopsy was negative.

Relieved and happy to be done with surgery

Post-lumpectomy bandaging

Later in the week I received bad news from my final pathology.  The tumor was larger than what we originally thought and the lumpectomy margins were not clean.  This meant 1-chemotherapy was certain and 2-there were still cancer cells in my breast.

On Friday February 25th I underwent my second surgery to try to remove the rest of the cancer from my breast.  The pathology report after this surgery indicated that my margins were 'clean'-there was no more cancer in my breast-however they were 'close'-less than 1mm of cancer-free tissue surrounding where the tumor was removed.  A 3rd surgery to obtain greater than 2mm of cancer-free tissue was inevitable.

I ultimately decided that enough was enough, and my third surgery was to be a mastectomy.   Words can not describe how difficult this decision was for me, but at this point, today, I do not regret my decision.  

The weekend before my mastectomy, Shannon and I traveled to Fruita, Colorado for one last hurrah.  This was our last trip out of town until July.  

I also went on a hat buying binge in anticipation of losing my hair during chemo.

 I later found out that hats really aren't that comfortable when you are bald and it is 90 degrees outside.  Cotton, Buff headbands are much more comfy.

The week of my mastectomy, I chopped my hair off.  I thought it would be easier to manage with my post-mastectomy limitations.

 I went from this

 to this

 and finally this

My ponytails were donated to Locks of Love

On March 25th, I underwent a total skin/nipple sparing mastectomy.  Surgery was uneventful and I was discharged from the hospital the following day.

A tissue expander was used as a temporary implant.  Saline was injected every few weeks to gradually stretch the skin so that a permanent implant could be placed later.  Although I joked that I was going to upgrade to a DD, I was very assertive with my plastic surgeon that I wanted to stay as close to my original size as possible.  I ended up deciding to have a small implant placed on my non-mastectomy side to help with symmetry.

This is a photo of 3 tissue expanders

On April 15th I was cleared to begin chemotherapy.  I received 4 treatments of Taxotere/Cytoxan (TC) spaced three weeks apart. 

It was very important to me to stay fit and healthy during chemo.  Click here for some strategies that worked for me.  Although there were certainly side effects, I exercised almost every single day.  Some days it would be for 30 minutes, some 2 hours.  Moving helped me feel alive.

Rippin' trail is still possible while undergoing chemo

For me, wearing a bike helmet was my favorite and most natural way to cover my bald head

Oh yeah, my newly cut short hair started falling out in chunks 

three weeks after my first chemotherapy treatment

Although as a cyclist, I have always strived to eat healthy,  I made the personal decision to switch to a plant-based diet.  Shannon and I spent the summer becoming fairly proficient at preparing plant-based meals.  

 Beans, kale, onions, garlic, and mushrooms.  Yum.

Black beans, yams, spinach, onions topped with almond cheese on a whole wheat pita.  Yum, yum.

I also have a green smoothie every day.  My favorite ingredients are kale, brussel sprouts, spinach, almond milk, hemp protein powder, frozen fruit, banana, ginger, and MILA.  It is definitely an acquired taste, but with my smoothies I am more concerned about nutrition than taste

Some of my favorite books that help guide my diet

My final chemotherapy infusion was June 17th  

I then had six weeks off work for summer break.  Perfect for rejuvenating the body after chemotherapy.

I spent the summer riding my bike

 Hanging/riding with new friends

 and old friends

and playing with my crazy puppy

We also traveled to Steamboat, Colorado and Jackson Hole, Wyoming.  Admittedly, I wasn't too keen on photos when I was bald:)

On August 15th I underwent my final reconstructive surgery.  Around the same time, my Dad's health started to decline.  He passed away August 31st due to complications related to Early-onset Alzheimer's. I don't like to talk about it, especially on my blog.  

Me, Dad, and Gordie December 2008

This fall/winter has been spent rebuilding strength and fitness in hopes that I can compete at an elite level in 2012.  There. I said it. I plan to return to racing in 2012!   Training officially starts today.

I have already dabbled in a bit of racing 

I added a BMX bike to my fleet that now includes a full-suspension, 29er hardtail, singlespeed, cross bike, road bike, and now BMX bike!

By the end of November I was ready for my first haircut.  

Christmas was spent with family, 

and this photo serves as evidence that after four short weeks I was already ready for a second haircut

2011 will always be remembered as a trying year: physically and emotionally.  That said, when Shannon and I finally came to terms with the fact that most of the year would be spent undergoing treatment, we made a choice.  It would have been easy and even understandable if I hid out for the year, miserable and sick, feeling sorry for myself.  But life is too short.  Instead, we decided to live life to the fullest extent possible, despite the circumstances.   Even though 2011 wasn't the year it was supposed to be, there were many great times.  Thank you everyone who was part of those great times!  Although I am enthusiastically ready to move on to 2012 and life after cancer treatment, 2011 was a year worth remembering.

Here's to a full, healthy, and happy 2012-for me, my family, and everyone! 

Happy New Year!